The Country Wife, Act II
ACT 2, Scene I
Mrs. Margery Pinchwife,and Alithea: Mr. Pinchwife peeping behind at the door.
Mrs Pinchwife
Pray, Sister, where are the best Fields and Woods, to walk in in London?
Alithea
Mulberry Garden, and St. James’s Park; and for close walks the New Exchange.
Mrs Pinchwife
Pray, Sister, tell me why my Husband looks so grum here in Town? and keeps me up so close, and will not let me go a walking, nor let me wear my best Gown yesterday?
Alithea
Mrs Pinchwife
Alithea
Mrs Pinchwife
Alithea
Did he not carry you yesterday to a Play?
Mrs Pinchwife
naughty Women sate there, whom they tous’d and mous’d; but I wou’d have ventur’d for all that.
Alithea
But how did you like the Play?
Mrs Pinchwife
Alithea
O but you must not like the Actors, Sister.
Mrs Pinchwife
Alithea
Enter Mr. Pinchwife to them.
Mrs Pinchwife
Alithea
Mrs Pinchwife
Mr Pinchwife
Your a Fool.
Alithea
Faith so she is, for crying for no fault, poor tender Creature!
Mr Pinchwife
Alithea
Mr Pinchwife
Hark you Mistriss, do not talk so before my Wife, the innocent liberty of the Town!
Alithea
Why, pray, who boasts of any intrigue with me? what Lampoon has made my name notorious? what ill Women frequent my Lodgings? I keep no Company with any Women of scandalous reputations.
Mr Pinchwife
No, you keep the Men of scandalous reputations Company.
Alithea
Mr Pinchwife
Mrs. Pinchwife
Indeed be not angry with her Bud, she will tell me nothing of the Town, though I ask her a thousand times a day.
Mr. Pinchwife
Then you are very inquisitive to know, I find?
Mrs. Pinchwife
Mr. Pinchwife
Mrs. Pinchwife
No indeed, Dear, she chid me just now for liking the Player Men.
Mr. Pinchwife
Mrs. Pinchwife
Yes indeed, but I do, the Player Men are finer Folks.
Mr. Pinchwife
But you love none better then me?
Mrs. Pinchwife
You are mine own Dear Bud, and I know you, I hate a Stranger.
Mr. Pinchwife
Ay, my Dear, you must love me only, and not be like the naughty Town Women, who only hate their Husbands, and love every Man else, love Plays, Visits, fine Coaches, fine Cloaths, Fidles, Balls, Treates, and so lead a wicked Town-life.
Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay, if to enjoy all these things be a Town-life, London is not so bad a place, Dear.
Mr. Pinchwife
How! if you love me, you must hate London.
Alithea
The Fool has forbid me discovering to her the pleasures of the Town, and he is now setting her a gog upon them himself.
Mrs. Pinchwife
But, Husband, do the Town-women love the Player Men too?
Mr. Pinchwife
Yes, I warrant you.
Mrs. Pinchwife
Ay, I warrant you.
Mr. Pinchwife
Why, you do not, I hope?
Mrs. Pinchwife
Mr. Pinchwife
Mrs. Pinchwife
Alithea
Mrs. Pinchwife
Pray, let me go to a Play, Dear.
Mr. Pinchwife
Mrs. Pinchwife
Why, Love?
Mr. Pinchwife
Alithea
Mrs. Pinchwife
Pray, why, Dear?
Mr. Pinchwife
First, you like the Actors, and the Gallants may like you.
Mrs. Pinchwife
What, a homely Country Girl? no Bud, no body will like me.
Mr. Pinchwife
I tell you, yes, they may.
Mrs. Pinchwife
Mr. Pinchwife
I tell you then, that one of the lewdest Fellows in Town, who saw you there, told me he was in love with you.
Mrs. Pinchwife
Indeed! who, who, pray who wast?
Mr. Pinchwife
Mrs. Pinchwife
Was it any Hampshire Gallant, any of our Neighbours? I promise you, I am beholding to him.
Mr. Pinchwife
Mrs. Pinchwife
Alithea
Hah, ha, ha.
Mr. Pinchwife
Enter Sparkish and Harcourt.
But here comes Company, get you in, get you in.
Mrs. Pinchwife
But pray, Husband, is he a pretty Gentleman, that loves me?
Mr. Pinchwhife
In baggage, in.
Sparkish
Harcourt salutes her.
Mr. Pinchwife
Ay, they shall know her, as well as you your self will, I warrant you.
Sparkish
Mr. Pinchwife
Sparkish
Mr. Pinchwife
Wonderful!
Sparkish
Harcourt
Alithea
Sir, Master Sparkish has often told me, that his Acquaintance were all Wits and Raillieurs, and now I find it.
Sparkish
Mr. Pinchwife
Praising another Man to his Mistriss!
Harcourt
Sparkish
Harcourt
Alithea
Harcourt
Truly, Madam, I never was an Enemy to Marriage, till now, because Marriage was never an Enemy to me before.
Alithea
Harcourt
Sparkish
Poor Franck!
Alithea
Harcourt
Sparkish
Pinchwife
Harcourt
No, I assure you I am not melancholy for you.
Sparkish
Prethee, Frank, dost think my Wife that shall be there a fine Person?
Harcourt
Sparkish
How, as I am! how!
Harcourt
Because you are a Lover, and true Lovers are blind, stockblind.
Sparkish
Harcourt
Indeed if a Woman wants wit in a corner, she has it no where.
Alithea
Sparkish
Harcourt courts Alithea aside.
Pinchwife
Sparkish
Struggles with Pinchwife to keep him from Harcourt and Alithea.
Alithea
Harcourt
Then so is my death.
Alithea
Harcourt
Then why to me so?
Alithea
I have no obligation to you.
Harcourt
My love.
Alithea
I had his before.
Harcourt
Alithea
Harcourt
Alithea
Harcourt
Alithea
Harcourt
Mr. Pinchwife
Sparkish
Mr. Pinchwife
No, rather be a Cuckold, like a credulous Cit.
Harcourt
Alithea.
Harcourt
Alithea.
Sparkish
Harcourt
Not so much as I thought, and hoped she had. [Speaks surlily
Alithea
Mr. Sparkish, do you bring People to rail at you?
Harcourt
Sparkish
Alithea
Harcourt
Sparkish
Alithea.
He said, you were a Wretch, below an injury.
Sparkish
Pshaw.
Harcourt
Alithea
Bubble.
Sparkish
Pshaw.
Alithea
A Coward.
Sparkish
Pshaw, pshaw.
Alithea
A sensless driveling Idiot.
Sparkish
Alithea
Hold, hold.
Sparkish
What, what.
Alithea
Sparkish
Alithea
Hold, hold, indeed to tell the truth, the Gentleman said after all, that what he spoke, was but out of friendship to you.
Sparkish
How! say, I am, I am a Fool, that is no wit, out of friendship to me.
Alithea
Harcourt
Sparkish
Harcourt
Sparkish
Alithea
I will not go, if you intend to leave me alone in the Box, and run into the pit, as you use to do.
Sparkish
Exeunt Sparkish, Harcourt, and Alithea.
Pinchwife
Enter my Lady Fidget, Mistriss Dainty Fidget, and Mistriss Squeamish.
Lady Fidget
Your Servant, Sir, where is your Lady? we are come to wait upon her to the new Play.
Pinchwife
New Play!
Lady Fidget
And my Husband will wait upon you presently.
Pinchwife
Lady
Pinchwife
No, Madam.
Dainty
Pray, let us see her.
Squeamish
We will not stir, till we see her.
Pinchwife
Lady Fidget
Dainty
They told us below, she was here.
Pinchwife
Lady Fidget
Squeamish
Alack, alack.
Dainty
Come, come, we must see how it goes with her, I understand the disease.
Lady Fidget
Come.
Pinchwife
Exit Pinchwife.
Squeamish
Lady Fidget
Indeed as the World goes, I wonder there are no more jealous, since Wives are so neglected.
Dainty
Lady Fidget
Squeamish
Lady Fidget
Squeamish
Lady Fidget
Squeamish
Dainty
Lady Fidget
Squeamish
Dainty
Lady Fidget
Squeamish
Lady Fidget
Dainty
I suppose the crime against our honour, is the same with a Man of quality as with another.
Lady Fidget
Dainty
Lady Fidget
Fye, fye, fye, for shame Sister, whither shall we ramble? be continent in your discourse, or I shall hate you.
Dainty
Squeamish
Lady Fidget
Dainty
Lady Fidget
But still my dear, dear Honour.
Enter Sir Jaspar, Horner, Dorilant
Sir Jaspar
Ay, my dear, dear of honour, thou hast still so much honour in thy mouth-
Horner
Lady Fidget
Dainty
Foh, these are as bad as Wits.
Squeamish
Foh!
Lady Fidget
Let us leave the Room.
Sir Jaspar
Stay, stay, faith to tell you the naked truth.
Lady Fidget
Fye, Sir Jaspar, do not use that word naked.
Sir Jaspar
Lady Fidget
With those two to a Play?
Sir Jaspar
Mr. Tatle, or Master Limberham.
Lady Fidget
Sir Jaspar
Nay, prethee Dear, hear me. [Whispers to Lady Fid. Horner, Dorilant drawing near Squeamish, and Dainty
Horner
Ladies.
Dainty
Stand off.
Squeamish
Do not approach us.
Dainty
You heard with the wits, you are obscenity all over.
Squeamish
Dorilant
What a Divel are these?
Horner
Sir Jaspar
Come, Mr. Horner, I must desire you to go with these Ladies to the Play, Sir.
Horner
I! Sir.
Sir Jaspar
Ay, ay, come, Sir.
Horner
I must beg your pardon, Sir, and theirs, I will not be seen in Womens Company in publick again for the World.
Sir Jaspar
Ha, ha, strange Aversion!
Squeamish
Sir Jaspar
Dainty
Horner
Lady Fidget
Sir Jaspar
In sober sadness he shall go.
Dorilant
Sir Jaspar
Dorilant
Seraglio; but Heavens keep me, from being an hombre Player with ’em: but where is Pinchwife—
Exit Dorilant
Sir Jaspar
Horner
Sir Jaspar
Heh, he, he.
Squeamish
O the rude Beast.
Dainty
Insolent brute.
Lady Fidget
Sir Jaspar
supernumerary Gentleman-Usher, as a supernumerary Coach-horse, least sometimes you shou’d be forc’d to stay at home.
Lady Fidget
But are you sure he loves play, and has money?
Sir Jaspar
He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as I.
Lady Fidget
Sir Jaspar
Horner
Sir Jaspar
Horner
Sir Jaspar
Horner
Sir Jaspar
Lady Fidget
Yes, losing Gamesters have a privilege with Women.
Horner
Sir Jaspar
Heh, he, he, well, win or loose you shall have your liberty with her.
Lady Fidget
Horner
All sorts of freedom, Madam?
Sir Jaspar
Horner
Horner, and Lady Fidget whisper.
Sir Jaspar
Sister Cuz, I have provided an innocent Play-fellow for you there.
Dainty
Who he!
Squeamish
Sir Jaspar
Yes sure, what he is good enough to play at Cards, Blind-mans buff, or the fool with sometimes.
Squeamish
Dainty
Sir Jaspar
Nay, pray hear me. [Whispering to them.
Lady Fidget
Horner
Lady Fidget
Horner
Lady Fidget
Horner
Lady Fidget
Nay then, as one may say, you may do your worst, dear, dear, Sir.
Sir Jaspar
Come, is your Ladyship reconciled to him yet? have you agreed on matters? for I must be gone to Whitehal.
Lady Fidget
Sir Jaspar
Very likely, poor Madam.
Dainty
I believe it.
Squeamish
Sir Jaspar
Lady Fidget
Come than dear Gallant.
Horner
Come away, my dearest Mistriss.
Sir Jaspar
Exit Sir Jaspar
Horner
Lady Fidget
Exeunt omnes.