ACT 3
Scene I
Alithea, and Mrs. Pinchwife.
Alithea
Sister, what ailes you, you are grown melancholy?
Margery
Wou’d it not make any one melancholy, to see you go every day fluttering about abroad, whil’st I must stay at home like a poor lonely, sullen Bird in a cage?
Alithea
Ay, Sister, but you came young, and just from the nest to your cage, so that I thought you lik’d it; and cou’d be as chearful in’t, as others that took their flight themselves early, and are hopping abroad in the open Air.
Margery
Nay, I confess I was quiet enough, till my Husband told me, what pure lives, the London Ladies live abroad, with their dancing, meetings, and junketings, and drest every day in their best gowns; and I warrant you, play at nine Pins every day of the week, so they do.
Enter Mr. Pinchwife.
Mr Pinchwife
Come, what’s here to do? you are putting the Town pleasures in her head, and setting her a longing.
Alithea
Yes, after Nine-pins; you suffer none to give her those longings, you mean, but your self.
Mr Pinchwife
I tell her of the vanities of the Town like a Confessor.
Alithea
A Confessor! just such a Confessor, as he that by forbidding a silly Oastler to grease the Horses teeth, taught him to do’t.
Mr Pinchwife
Come Mistriss Flippant, good Precepts are lost, when bad Examples are still before us; the liberty you take abroad makes her hanker after it; and out of humour at home, poor Wretch! she desired not to come to London, I wou’d bring her.
Alithea
Very well.
Mr. Pinchwife
She has been this week in Town, and never desired, till this afternoon, to go abroad.
Alithea
Was she not at a Play yesterday?
Mr Pinchwife
Yes, but she ne’er ask’d me; I was my self the cause of her going.
Alithea
Then if she ask you again, you are the cause of her asking, and not my example.
Mr Pinchwife
Well, to morrow night I shall be rid of you; and the next day before ’tis light, she and I’ll be rid of the Town, and my dreadful apprehensions: Come, be not melancholly, for thou sha’t go into the Country after tomorrow, Dearest.
Alithea
Great comfort.
Mrs Pinchwife
Pish, what d’ye tell me of the Country for?
Mr Pinchwife
How’s this! what, pish at the Country?
Mrs Pinchwife
Let me alone, I am not well.
Mr Pinchwife
O, if that be all—what ailes my dearest?
Mrs Pinchwife
Truly I don’t know; but I have not been well, since you told me there was a Gallant at the Play in love with me.
Mr Pinchwife
Ha—
Alithea
That’s by my example too.
Mr Pinchwhife
Nay, if you are not well, but are so concern’d, because a lew’d Fellow chanc’d to lye, and say he lik’d you, you’l make me sick too.
Mrs Pinchwife
Of what sickness?
Mr Pinchwife
O, of that which is worse than the Plague. Jealousy.
Mrs Pinchwife
Pish, you jear, I’m sure there’s no such disease in our Receipt-book at home.
Mr Pinchwife
No, thou never met’st with it, poor Innocent— well, if thou Cuckold me, ’twill be my own fault— for Cuckolds and Bastards, are generally makers of their own fortune. [Aside.
Mrs Pinchwife
Well, but pray Bud, let’s go to a Play to night.
Mr Pinchwife
‘Tis just done, she comes from it; but why are you so eager to see a Play?
Mrs Pinchwife
Faith Dear, not that I care one pin for their talk there; but I like to look upon the Player-men, and wou’d see, if I cou’d, the Gallant you say loves me; that’s all dear Bud.
Mr Pinchwife
Is that all dear Bud?
Alithea
This proceeds from my example.
Mrs Pinchwife
But if the Play be done, let’s go abroad however, dear Bud.
Mr Pinchwife
Come have a little patience, and thou shalt go into the Country on Friday.
Mrs Pinchwife
Therefore I wou’d see first some sights, to tell my Neighbours of. Nay, I will go abroad, that’s once.
Alithea
I’m the cause of this desire too.
Mr Pinchwife
But now I think on’t, who was the cause of Horner’s coming to my Lodging to day? that was you.
Alithea
No, you, because you wou’d not let him see your handsome Wife out of your Lodging.
Mrs Pinchwife
Why, O Lord! did the Gentleman come hither to see me indeed?
Mr Pinchwife
No, no;—You are not cause of that damn’d question too, Mistriss Alithea?—[Well she’s in the right of it; he is in love with my Wife—and comes after her— ’tis so—but I’ll nip his love in the bud; least he should follow us into the Country, and break his Chariot-wheel near our house, on purpose for an excuse to come to’t; but I think I know the Town. [Aside.
Mrs Pinchwife
Come, pray Bud, let’s go abroad before ’tis late; for I will go, that’s flat and plain.
Mr Pinchwife
So! the obstinacy already of a Town-wife, and I must, whilst she’s here, humour her like one. [Aside.] Sister, how shall we do, that she may not be seen, or known?
Alithea
Let her put on her Mask.
Mr Pinchwife.
Pshaw, a Mask makes People but the more inquisitive, and is as ridiculous a disguise, as a stage-beard; her shape, stature, habit will be known: and if we shou’d meet with Horner, he wou’d be sure to take acquaintance with us, must wish her joy, kiss her, talk to her, leer upon her, and the Devil and all; no I’ll not use her to a Mask, ’tis dangerous; for Masks have made more Cuckolds, than the best faces that ever were known.
Alithea
How will you do then?
Mrs Pinchwife
Nay, shall we go? the Exchange will be shut, and I have a mind to see that.
Mr Pinchwife
So—I have it—I’ll dress her up in the Suit, we are to carry down to her Brother, little Sir James; nay, I understand the Town tricks: Come let’s go dress her; a Mask! no—a Woman mask’d, like a cover’d Dish, gives a Man curiosity, and appetite, when, it may be, uncover’d, ‘twou’d turn his stomack; no, no.
Alithea
Indeed your comparison is something a greasie one: but I had a gentle Gallant, us’d to say, a Beauty mask’d, lik’d the Sun in Eclipse, gathers together more gazers, than if it shin’d out.
Exeunt.
The Scene changes to the new Exchange
Enter Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant.
Dorilant
Engag’d to Women, and not Sup with us?
Horner
Ay, a Pox on ’em all.
Harcourt
You were much a more reasonable Man in the morning, and had as noble resolutions against ’em, as a Widdower of a weeks liberty.
Dorilant
Did I ever think, to see you keep company with Women in vain.
Horner
In vain! no—’tis, since I can’t love ’em, to be reveng’d on ’em.
Harcourt
Now your Sting is gone, you look’d in the Box amongst all those Women, like a drone in the hive, all upon you; shov’d and ill-us’d by ’em all, and thrust from one side to t’other.
Dorilant
Yet he must be buzzing amongst ’em still, like other old beetle-headed, lycorish drones; avoid ’em, and hate ‘m as they hate you.
Horner
Because I do hate ’em, and wou’d hate ’em yet more, I’ll frequent ’em; you may see by Marriage, nothing makes a Man hate a Woman more, than her constant conversation: In short, I converse with ’em, as you do with rich Fools, to laugh at ’em, and use ’em ill.
Dorilant
But I wou’d no more Sup with Women, unless I cou’d lye with ’em, than Sup with a rich Coxcomb, unless I cou’d cheat him.
Horner
Yes, I have known thee Sup with a Fool, for his drinking, if he cou’d set out your hand that way only, you were satisfy’d; and if he were a Wine-swallowing mouth ’twas enough.
Harcourt
Yes, a Man drink’s often with a Fool, as he tosses with a Marker, only to keep his hand in Ure; but do the Ladies drink?
Horner
Yes, Sir, and I shall have the pleasure at least of laying ’em flat with a Bottle; and bring as much scandal that way upon ’em, as formerly t’other.
Harcourt
Perhaps you may prove as weak a Brother amongst ’em that way, as t’other.
Dorilant
Foh, drinking with Women, is as unnatural, as scolding with ’em; but ’tis a pleasure of decay’d Fornicators, and the basest way of quenching Love.
Harcourt
Nay, ’tis drowning Love, instead of quenching it; but leave us for civil Women too!
Dorilant
Ay, when he can’t be the better for ’em; we hardly pardon a Man, that leaves his Friend for a Wench, and that’s a pretty lawful call.
Horner
Faith, I wou’d not leave you for ’em, if they wou’d not drink.
Dorilant
Who wou’d disappoint his Company at Lewis’s, for a Gossiping?
Harcourt
Foh, Wine and Women good apart, together as nauseous as Sack and Sugar: But hark you, Sir, before you go, a little of your advice, an old maim’d General, when unfit for action is fittest for Counsel; I have other designs upon Women, than eating and drinking with them: I am in love with Sparkish’s Mistriss, whom he is to marry to morrow, now how shall I get her?
Enter Sparkish, looking about
Horner
Why, here comes one will help you to her.
Harcourt
He! he, I tell you, is my Rival, and will hinder my love.
Horner
No, a foolish Rival, and a jealous Husband assist their Rivals designs; for they are sure to make their Women hate them, which is the first step to their love, for another Man.
Harcourt
But I cannot come near his Mistriss, but in his company.
Horner
Still the better for you, for Fools are most easily cheated, when they themselves are accessaries; and he is to be bubled of his Mistriss, as of his Money, the common Mistriss, by keeping him company.
Sparkish
Who is that, that is to be bubled? Faith let me snack, I han’t met with a buble since Christmas: gad; I think bubles are like their Brother Woodcocks, go out with the cold weather.
Harcourt
A Pox, he did not hear all I hope. [Apart to Horner.
Sparkish
Come, you bubling Rogues you, where do we sup—Oh, Harcourt, my Mistriss tells me, you have been making fierce love to her all the Play long, hah, ha— but I—
Harcourt
I make love to her?
Sparkish
Nay, I forgive thee; for I think I know thee, and I-know her, but I am sure I know my self.
Harcourt
Did she tell you so? I see all Women are like these of the Exchange, who to enhance the price of their commodities, report to their fond Customers offers which were never made ’em.
Horner
Ay, Women are as apt to tell before the intrigue, as Men after it, and so shew themselves the vainer Sex; but hast thou a Mistriss, Sparkish? ’tis as hard for me to believe it, as that thou ever hadst a buble, as you brag’d just now.
Sparkish
O your Servant, Sir; are you at your raillery, Sir? but we were some of us beforehand with you to day at the Plays: the Wits were something bold with you, Sir; did you not hear us laugh?
Harcourt
Yes, But I thought you had gone to Plays, to laugh at the Poets wit, not at your own.
Sparkish
Your Servant, Sir, no I thank you; gad I go to a Play as to a Country-treat, I carry my own wine to one, and my own wit to t’other, or else I’m sure I shou’d not be merry at either; and the reason why we are so often lowder, than the Players, is, because we think we speak more wit, and so become the Poets Rivals in his audience: for to tell you the truth, we hate the silly Rogues; nay, so much that we find fault even with their Bawdy upon the Stage, whilst we talk nothing else in the Pit as lowd.
Horner
But, why should’st thou hate the silly Poets, thou hast too much wit to be one, and they like Whores are only hated by each other; and thou dost scorn writing, I’am sure.
Sparkish
Yes, I’d have you to know, I scorn writing; but Women, Women, that make Men do all foolish things, make ’em write Songs too; every body does it: ’tis ev’n as common with Lovers, as playing with fans; and you can no more help Rhyming to your Phyllis, than drinking to your Phyllis.
Harcourt
Nay, Poetry in love is no more to be avoided, than jealousy.
Dorilant
But the Poets damn’d your Songs, did they?
Sparkish
Damn the Poets, they turn’d ’em into Burlesque, as they call it; that Burlesque is a Hocus-Pocus-trick, they have got, which by the virtue of Hictius doctius, topsey turvey, they make a wise and witty Man in the World, a Fool upon the Stage you know not how; and ‘ tis therefore I hate ’em too, for I know not but it may be my own case; for they’l put a Man into a Play for looking a Squint: Their Predecessors were contented to make Serving-men only their Stage Fools, but these Rogues must have Gentlemen, with a Pox to ’em, nay Knights: and indeed you shall hardly see a Fool upon the Stage, but he’s a Knight; and to tell you the truth, they have kept me these six years from being a Knight in earnest, for fear of being knighted in a Play, and dubb’d a Fool.
Dorilant
Blame ’em not, they must follow their Copy, the Age.
Harcourt
But why should’st thou be afraid of being in a Play, who expose your self every day in the Play-houses, and as publick Places.
Horner
‘Tis but being on the Stage, instead of standing on a Bench in the Pit.
Dorilant
Don’t you give money to Painters to draw you like? and are you afraid of your Pictures, at length in a Play-house, where all your Mistresses may see you.
Sparkish
A Pox, Painters don’t draw the Small Pox, or Pimples in ones face; come damn all your silly Authors whatever, all Books and Booksellers, by the World, and all Readers, courteous or uncourteous.
Harcourt
But, who comes here, Sparkish?
Enter Mr. Pinchwife, and his Wife in Mans Cloaths, Alithea, Lucy her Maid.
Sparkish
Oh hide me, there’s my Mistriss too. [Sparkish hides himself behind Harcourt.
Harcourt
She sees you.
Sparkish
But I will not see her, ’tis time to go to Whitehal, and I must not fail the drawing Room.
Harcourt
Pray, first carry me, and reconcile me to her.
Sparkish
Another time, faith the King will have sup’t.
Harcourt
Not with the worse stomach for thy absence; thou art one of those Fools, that think their attendance at the King’s Meals, as necessary as his Physicians, when you are more troublesom to him, than his Doctors, or his Dogs.
Sparkish
Pshaw, I know my interest, Sir, prethee hide me.
Horner
Your Servant, Pinchwife, — what he knows us not – —
Mr Pinchwife
Come along. [To his Wife aside.
Mrs Pinchwife
Pray, have you any Ballads, give me six-penny worth?
Clasp
We have no Ballads.
Mrs Pinchwife
Then give me Covent-garden-Drollery, and a Play or two — Oh here’s Tarugos Wiles, and the Slighted Maiden, I’ll have them.
Mr Pinchwife
No, Playes are not for your reading; come along, will you discover your self? [Apart to her.
Horner
Who is that pretty Youth with him, Sparkish?
Sparkish
I believe his Wife’s Brother, because he’s something like her, but I never saw her but once.
Horner
Extreamly handsom, I have seen a face like it too; let us follow ’em.
Exeunt Pinchwife, Mistriss Pinchwife. Alithea, Lucy, Horner, Dorilant following them.
Harcourt
Come, Sparkish, your Mistriss saw you, and will be angry you go not to her; besides I wou’d fain be reconcil’d to her, which none but you can do, dear Friend.
Sparkish
Well that’s a better reason, dear Friend; I wou’d not go near her now, for her’s, or my own sake, but I can deny you nothing; for though I have known thee a great while, never go, if I do not love thee, as well as a new Acquaintance.
Harcourt
I am oblig’d to you indeed, dear Friend, I wou’d be well with her only, to be well with thee still; for these tyes to Wives usually dissolve all tyes to Friends: I wou’d be contented, she shou’d enjoy you a nights, but I wou’d have you to my self a dayes, as I have had, dear Friend.
Sparkish
And thou shalt enjoy me a dayes, dear, dear Friend, never stir; and I’ll be divorced from her, sooner than from thee; come along—
Harcourt
So we are hard put to’t, when we make our Rival our Procurer; but neither she, nor her Brother, wou’d let me come near her now: when all’s done, a Rival is the best cloak to steal to a Mistress under, without suspicion; and when we have once got to her as we desire, we throw him off like other Cloaks. [Aside.
Exit Sparkish, and Harcourt following him.
Re-enter Mr. Pinchwife, Mistress Pinchwife in Man’s Cloaths.
Mr Pinchwife
Sister, if you will not go, we must leave you—[To Alithea.
Mr Pinchwife
The Fool her Gallant, and she, will muster up all the young santerers of this place, and they will leave their dear Seamstresses to follow us; what a swarm of Cuckolds, and Cuckold-makers are here? [Aside.
Mr. Pinchwife
Come let’s be gone Mistriss Margery.
Mrs Pinchwife
Don’t you believe that, I han’t half my belly full of sights yet.
Mr Pinchwife
Then walk this way.
Mrs Pinchwife
Lord, what a power of brave signs are here! stay—the Bull’s-head, the Rams- head, and the Stags-head, Dear—
Mr Pinchwife
Nay, if every Husbands proper sign here were visible, they wou’d be all alike.
Mrs Pinchwife
What d’ye mean by that, Bud?
Mr Pinchwhife
‘Tis no matter—no matter, Bud.
Mrs Pinchwife
Pray tell me; nay, I will know.
Mr. Pinchwife
They wou’d be all Bulls, Stags, and Rams heads.
Exeunt Mr. Pinchwife, Mrs. Pinchwife.
Re-enter Sparkish, Harcourt, Alithea, Lucy, at t’other door.
Sparkish
Come, dear Madam, for my sake you shall be reconciled to him.
Alithea
For your sake I hate him.
Harcourt
That’s something too cruel, Madam, to hate me for his sake.
Sparkish
Ay indeed, Madam, too, too cruel to me, to hate my Friend for my sake.
Alithea
I hate him because he is your Enemy; and you ought to hate him too, for making love to me, if you love me.
Sparkish
That’s a good one, I hate a Man for loving you; if he did love you, ’tis but what he can’t help, and ’tis your fault not his, if he admires you: I hate a Man for being of my opinion, I’ll ne’er do’t, by the World.
Alithea
Is it for your honour or mine, to suffer a Man to make love to me, who am to marry you to morrow?
Sparkish
Is it for your honour or mine, to have me jealous? That he makes love to you, is a sign you are handsome; and that I am not jealous, is a sign you are virtuous, that I think is for your honour.
Alithea
But ’tis your honour too, I am concerned for.
Harcourt
But why, dearest Madam, will you be more concern’d for his honour, than he is himself; let his honour alone for my sake, and his, he, he, has no honour—
Sparkish
How’s that?
Harcourt
But what, my dear Friend can guard himself.
Sparkish
O ho—that’s right again.
Harcourt
Your care of his honour argues his neglect of it, which is no honour to my dear Friend here; therefore once more, let his honour go which way it will, dear Madam.
Sparkish
Ay, ay, were it for my honour to marry a Woman, whose virtue I suspected, and cou’d not trust her in a Friends hands?
Alithea
Are you not afraid to loose me?
Harcourt
He afraid to loose you, Madam! No, no—you may see how the most estimable, and most glorious Creature in the World, is valued by him; will you not see it?
Sparkish
Right, honest Franck, I have that noble value for her, that I cannot be jealous of her.
Alithea
You mistake him, he means you care not for me, nor who has me.
Sparkish
Lord, Madam, I see you are jealous; will you wrest a poor Mans meaning from his words?
Alithea
You astonish me, Sir, with your want of jealousie.
Sparkish
And you make me guiddy, Madam, with your jealousie, and fears, and virtue, and honour; gad, I see virtue makes a Woman as troublesome, as a little reading, or learning.
Alithea
Monstrous!
Lucy
Well to see what easie Husbands these Women of quality can meet with, a poor Chamber maid can never have such Lady-like luck; besides he’s thrown away upon her, she’l make no use of her fortune, her blessing, none to a Gentleman, for a pure Cuckold, for it requires good breeding to be a Cuckold. [Behind.
Alithea
I tell you then plainly, he pursues me to marry me.
Sparkish
Pshaw—
Harcourt
Come, Madam, you see you strive in vain to make him jealous of me; my dear Friend is the kindest Creature in the World to me.
Sparkish
Poor fellow.
Harcourt
But his kindness only is not enough for me, without your favour; your good opinion, dear Madam, ’tis that must perfect my happiness: good Gentleman he believes all I say, wou’d you wou’d do so, jealous of me! I wou’d not wrong him nor you for the World.
Sparkish
Look you there; hear him, hear him, and do not walk away so.
[Alithea walks carelessly, to and fro.
Harcourt
I love you, Madam, so—
Sparkish
How’s that! Nay—now you begin to go too far indeed.
Harcourt
So much I confess, I say I love you, that I wou’d not have you miserable, and cast your self away upon so unworthy, and inconsiderable a thing, as what you see here.
[Clapping his hand on his breast, points at Sparkish.
Sparkish
No faith, I believe thou woud’st not, now his meaning is plain: but I knew before thou woud’st not wrong me nor her.
Harcourt
No, no, Heavens forbid, the glory of her Sex shou’d fall so low as into the embraces of such a contemptible Wretch, the last of Mankind—my dear Friend here— I injure him. [Embracing Sparkish.
Alithea
Very well.
Sparkish
No, no, dear Friend, I knew it Madam, you see he will rather wrong himself than me, in giving himself such names.
Alithea
Do not you understand him yet?
Sparkish
Yes, how modestly he speaks of himself, poor Fellow.
Alithea
Methinks he speaks impudently of your self, since— before your self too, insomuch that I can no longer suffer his scurrilous abusiveness to you, no more than his love to me. [Offers to go.
Sparkish
Nay, nay, Madam, pray stay, his love to you: Lord, Madam, has he not spoke yet plain enough?
Alithea
Yes indeed, I shou’d think so.
Sparkish
Well then, by the World, a Man can’t speak civilly to a Woman now, but presently she says, he makes love to her: Nay, Madam, you shall stay, with your pardon, since you have not yet understood him, till he has made an éclaircisment of his love to you, that is what kind of love it is; answer to thy Catechisme: Friend, do you love my Mistriss here?
Harcourt
Yes, I wish she wou’d not doubt it.
Sparkish
But how do you love her?
Harcourt
With all my Soul.
Alithea
I thank him, methinks he speaks plain enough now.
Sparkish
You are out still. [to Alithea.
But with what kind of love, Harcourt?
Harcourt
With the best, and truest love in the World.
Sparkish
Look you there then, that is with no matrimonial love, I’m sure.
Alithea
How’s that, do you say matrimonial love is not best?
Sparkish
Gad, I went too far e’re I was aware: But speak for thy self Harcourt, you said you wou’d not wrong me, nor her.
Harcourt
No, no, Madam, e’n take him for Heaven’s sake.
Sparkish
Look you there, Madam.
Harcourt
Who shou’d in all justice be yours, he that loves you most.
Claps his hand on his breast.
Alithea
Look you there, Mr. Sparkish, who’s that?
Sparkish
Who shou’d it be? go on Harcourt.
Harcourt
Who loves you more than Women, Titles, or fortune Fools.
[Points at Sparkish.
Sparkish
Look you there, he means me stil, for he points at me.
Alithea
Ridiculous!
Harcourt
Who can only match your Faith, and constancy in love.
Sparkish
Ay.
Harcourt
Who knows, if it be possible, how to value so much beauty and virtue.
Sparkish
Ay.
Harcourt
Whose love can no more be equall’d in the world, than that Heavenly form of yours.
Sparkish
No—
Harcourt
Who cou’d no more suffer a Rival, than your absence, and yet cou’d no more suspect your virtue, than his own constancy in his love to you.
Sparkish
No—
Harcourt
Who in fine loves you better than his eyes, that first made him love you.
Sparkish
Ay—nay, Madam, faith you shan’t go, till—
Alithea
Have a care, lest you make me stay too long—
Sparkish
But till he has saluted you; that I may be assur’d you are friends, after his honest advice and declaration: Come pray, Madam, be friends with him.
Enter Master Pinchwife, Mistriss Pinchwife.
Alithea
You must pardon me, Sir, that I am not yet so obedient to you.
Mr. Pinchwife
What, invite your Wife to kiss Men? Monstrous, are you not asham’d? I will never forgive you.
Sparkish
Are you not asham’d, that I shou’d have more confidence in the chastity of your Family, than you have; you must not teach me, I am a man of honour, Sir, though I am frank and free; I am frank, Sir—
Mr. Pinchwife
Very frank, Sir, to share your Wife with your friends.
Sparkish
He is an humble, menial Friend, such as reconciles the differences of the Marriage-bed; you know Man and Wife do not alwayes agree, I design him for that use, therefore wou’d have him well with my Wife.
Mr. Pinchwife
A menial Friend—you will get a great many menial Friends, by shewing your Wife as you do.
Sparkish
What then, it may be I have a pleasure in’t, as I have to shew fine Clothes, at a Play-house the first day, and count money before poor Rogues.
Mr. Pinchwife
He that shews his wife, or money will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes.
Sparkish
I love to be envy’d, and wou’d not marry a Wife, that I alone cou’d love; loving alone is as dull, as eating alone; is it not a frank age, and I am a frank Person? and to tell you the truth, it may be I love to have Rivals in a Wife, they make her seem to a Man still, but as a kept Mistriss; and so good night, for I must to Whitehal. Madam, I hope you are now reconcil’d to my Friend; and so I wish you a good night, Madam, and sleep if you can, for to morrow you know I must visit you early with a Canonical Gentleman. Good night dear Harcourt.
[Exit Sparkish.
Harcourt
Madam, I hope you will not refuse my visit to morrow, if it shou’d be earlyer, with a Canonical Gentleman, than Mr. Sparkish’s.
Mr. Pinchwife
This Gentle-woman is yet under my care, therefore you must yet forbear your freedom with her, Sir.
Coming between Alithea and Harcourt.
Harcourt
Must, Sir—
Mr. Pinchwife
Yes, Sir, she is my Sister.
Harcourt
‘Tis well she is, Sir—for I must be her Servant, Sir. Madam—
Mr. Pinchwife
Come away Sister, we had been gone, if it had not been for you, and so avoided these lewd Rakehells, who seem to haunt us.
Enter Horner, Dorilant to them.
Horner
How now Pinchwife?
Mr. Pinchwife
Your Servant.
Horner
What, I see a little time in the Country makes a Man turn wild and unsociable, and only fit to converse with his Horses, Dogs, and his Herds.
Mr. Pinchwife
I have business, Sir, and must mind it; your business is pleasure, therefore you and I must go different wayes.
Horner
Well, you may go on, but this pretty young Gentleman— [Takes hold of Mrs. Pinchwife.
Harcourt
The Lady—
Dorilant
And the Maid—
Horner
Shall stay with us, for I suppose their business is the same with ours, pleasure.
Mr. Pinchwife
‘Sdeath he knows her, she carries it so sillily, yet if he does not, I shou’d be more silly to discover it first. [Aside.
Alithea
Pray, let us go, Sir.
Mr. Pinchwife
Come, come—
Horner
Had you not rather stay with us? [to Mrs. Pinchwife.
Prethee Pinchwife, who is this pretty young Gentleman?
Mr. Pinchwife
One to whom I’m a guardian. [Aside. [I wish I cou’d keep her out of your hands—
Horner
Who is he? I never saw any thing so pretty in all my life.
Mr. Pinchwife
Pshaw, do not look upon him so much, he’s a poor bashful youth, you’l put him out of countenance. Come away Brother. [Offers to take her away.
Horner
O your Brother!
Mr. Pinchwife
Yes, my Wifes Brother; come, come, she’l stay supper for us.
Horner
I thought so, for he is very like her I saw you at the Play with, whom I told you, I was in love with.
Mrs. Pinchwife
O Jeminy! is this he that was in love with me, I am glad on’t I vow, for he’s a curious fine Gentleman, and I love him already too. [Aside.
Is this he Bud? [to Mr. Pinchwife.
Mr. Pinchwife
Come away, come away. [To his Wife.
Horner
Why, what hast are you in? why wont you let me talk with him?
Mr. Pinchwife
Because you’l debauch him, he’s yet young and innocent, and I wou’d not have him debauch’d for any thing in the World. [Aside. How she gazes on him! the Divel—
Horner
Harcourt, Dorilant, look you here, this is the likeness of that Dowdey he told us of, his Wife, did you ever see a lovelyer Creature? the Rogue has reason to be jealous of his Wife, since she is like him, for she wou’d make all that see her, in love with her.
Harcourt
And as I remember now, she is as like him here as can be.
Dorilant
She is indeed very pretty, if she be like him.
Horner
Very pretty, a very pretty commendation—she is a glorious Creature, beautiful beyond all things I ever beheld.
Mr. Pinchwife
So, so.
Harcourt
More beautiful than a Poets first Mistriss of Imagination.
Horner
Or another Mans last Mistriss of flesh and blood.
Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay, now you jeer, Sir; pray don’t jeer me—
Mr. Pinchwife
Come, come. [Aside. By Heavens she’l discover her self.
Horner
I speak of your Sister, Sir.
Mr. Pinchwife
Ay, but saying she was handsom, if like him, made him blush.[Aside. I am upon a wrack—
Horner
Methinks he is so handsom, he shou’d not be a Man.
Mr. Pinchwife
O there ’tis out, he has discovered her, I am not able to suffer any longer. [To his Wife. Come, come away, I say—
Horner
Nay, by your leave, Sir, he shall not go yet— Harcourt, Dorilant, let us torment this jealous Rogue a little. [To them.
Harcourt, Dorilant
How?
Horner
I’ll shew you.
Mr. Pinchwife
Come, pray let him go, I cannot stay fooling any longer; I tell you his Sister stays supper for us.
Horner
Do’s she, come then we’l all go sup with her and thee.
Mr. Pinchwife
No, now I think on’t, having staid so long for us, I warrant she’s gone to bed—[Aside. I wish she and I were well out of their hands—
Come, I must rise early to morrow, come.
Horner
Well then, if she be gone to bed, I wish her and you a good night. But pray, young Gentleman, present my humble service to her.
Mrs. Pinchwife
Thank you heartily, Sir.
Mr. Pinchwife
S’death, she will discover her self yet in spight of me. [Aside.
He is something more civil to you, for your kindness to his Sister, than I am, it seems.
Horner
Tell her, dear sweet little Gentleman, for all your Brother there, that you have reviv’d the love, I had for her at first sight in the Play-house.
Mrs. Pinchwife
But did you love her indeed, and indeed?
Mr. Pinchwife
So, so. [Aside.
Away, I say.
Horner
Nay stay; yes indeed, and indeed, pray do you tell her so, and give her this kiss from me. [Kisses her.
Mr. Pinchwife
O Heavens! what do I suffer; now ’tis too plain he knows her, and yet— [Aside.
Horner
And this, and this— [Kisses her again.
Mrs. Pinchwife
What do you kiss me for, I am no Woman.
Mr. Pinchwife
So—there ’tis out. [Aside.
Come, I cannot, nor will stay any longer.
Horner
Nay, they shall send your Lady a kiss too; here Harcourt, Dorilant, will you not? [They kiss her.
Mr. Pinchwife
How, do I suffer this? was I not accusing another just now, for this rascally patience, in permitting his Wife to be kiss’d before his face? ten thousand ulcers gnaw away their lips. [Aside.
Come, come.
Horner
Good night dear little Gentleman; Madam goodnight; farewel Pinchwife. [Apart to Harcourt and Dorilant.] Did not I tell you, I wou’d raise his jealous gall.
Exeunt Horner, Harcourt, and Dorilant.
Mr. Pinchwife
So they are gone at last; stay, let me see first if the Coach be at this door. [Exit.
Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant return
Horner
What not gone yet? will you be sure to do as I desired you, sweet Sir?
Mrs. Pinchwife
Sweet Sir, but what will you give me then?
Horner
Any thing, come away into the next walk.
Exit Horner, haling away Mrs. Pinchwife.
Alithea
Hold, hold,—what d’ye do?
Lucy
Stay, stay, hold—
Harcourt
Hold Madam, hold, let him present him, he’l come presently; nay, I will never let you go, till you answer my question.
Alithea, Lucy strugling with Harcourt, and Dorilant.
Lucy
For God’s sake, Sir, I must follow ’em.
Dorilant
No, I have something to present you with too, you shan’t follow them.
Pinchwife returns.
Mr. Pinchwife
Where?—how?—what’s become of? gone— whither?
Lucy
He’s only gone with the Gentleman, who will give him something, an’t please your Worship.
Mr. Pinchwife
Something—give him something, with a Pox—where are they?
Alithea
In the next walk only, Brother.
Mr. Pinchwife
Only, only; where, where?
Exit Pinchwife, and returns presently, then goes out again.
Harcourt
What’s the matter with him? why so much concern’d? but dearest Madam—
Alithea
Pray, let me go, Sir, I have said, and suffer’d enough already.
Harcourt
Then you will not look upon, nor pitty my sufferings?
Alithea
To look upon ’em, when I cannot help ’em, were cruelty, not pitty, therefore I will never see you more.
Harcourt
Let me then, Madam, have my priviledge of a banished Lover, complaining or railing, and giving you but a farewell reason; why, if you cannot condescend to marry me, you shou’d not take that wretch my Rival.
Alithea
He only, not you, since my honour is engag’d so far to him, can give me a reason, why I shou’d not marry him; but if he be true, and what I think him to me, I must be so to him; your Servant, Sir.
Harcourt
Have Women only constancy when ’tis a vice, and like fortune only true to fools?
Dorilant
Thou sha’t not stir thou robust Creature, you see I can deal with you, therefore you shou’d stay the rather, and be kind. [To Lucy, who struggles to get from him.
Enter Pinchwife.
Mr. Pinchwife
Gone, gone, not to be found; quite gone, ten thousand plagues go with ’em; which way went they?
Alithea
But into t’other walk, Brother.
Lucy
Their business will be done presently sure, an’t please your Worship, it can’t be long in doing I’m sure on’t.
Alithea
Are they not there?
Mr. Pinchwife
No, you know where they are, you infamous Wretch, Eternal shame of your Family, which you do not dishonour enough your self, you think, but you must help her to do it too, thou legion of Bawds.
Alithea
Good Brother.
Mr. Pinchwife
Damn’d, damn’d Sister.
Alithea
Look you here, she’s coming.
Enter Mistriss Pinchwife in Mans cloaths, running with her hat under her arm, full of Oranges and dried fruit, Horner following.
Mrs. Pinchwife
O dear Bud, look you here what I have got, see.
Mr. Pinchwife
And what I have got here too, which you can’t see. [Aside rubbing his forehead.
Mrs. Pinchwife
The fine Gentleman has given me better things yet.
Mr. Pinchwife
Ha’s he so? [Aside. Out of breath and colour’d—I must hold yet.
Horner
I have only given your little Brother an Orange, Sir.
Mr. Pinchwife
Thank you, Sir. [To Horner.
You have only squeez’d my Orange, I suppose, and given it me again; yet I must have a City-patience. [Aside.
Come, come away— [To his Wife.
Mrs. Pinchwife
Stay, till I have put up my fine things, Bud.
Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget.
Sir Jaspar
O Master Horner, come, come, the Ladies stay for you; your Mistriss, my Wife, wonders you make not more hast to her.
Horner
I have staid this half hour for you here, and ’tis your fault I am not now with your Wife.
Sir Jaspar
But pray, don’t let her know so much, the truth on’t is, I was advancing a certain Project to his Majesty, about—I’ll tell you.
Horner
No, let’s go, and hear it at your house: Good night sweet little Gentleman; one kiss more, you’ll remember me now I hope. [Kisses her.]
Dorilant
What, Sir Jaspar, will you separate Friends? he promis’d to sup with us; and if you take him to your house, you’l be in danger of our company too.
Sir Jaspar
Alas Gentlemen my house is not fit for you, there are none but civil Women there, which are not for your turn; he you know can bear with the society of civil Women, now, ha, ha, ha; besides he’s one of my Family; —he’s— heh, heh, heh.
Dorilant
What is he?
Sir Jaspar
Faith my Eunuch, since you’l have it, heh, he, he.
Exit Sir Jaspar Fidget, and Horner.
Dorilant
I rather wish thou wert his, or my Cuckold: Harcourt, what a good Cuckold is lost there, for want of a Man to make him one; thee and I cannot have: Horner’s privilege, who can make use of it.
Harcourt
Ay, to poor Horner ’tis like coming to an estate at threescore, when a Man can’t be the better for’t.
Mr. Pinchwife
Come.
Mrs. Pinchwife
Presently Bud.
Dorilant
Come let us go too: Madam, your Servant. [To Alithea.
Good night Strapper.—[To Lucy.
Harcourt
Madam, though you will not let me have a good day, or night, I wish you one; but dare not name the other half of my wish.
Alithea
Good night, Sir, for ever.
Mrs. Pinchwife
I don’t know where to put this here, dear Bud, you shall eat it; nay, you shall have part of the fine Gentleman’s good things, or treat as you call it, when we come home.
Mr. Pinchwife
Indeed I deserve it, since I furnish’d the best part of it. [Strikes away the Orange.]The Gallant treates, presents, and gives the Ball; But ’tis the absent Cuckold, pays for all.
